That time they were doing it and Q caught Picard fantasizing about Beverly.
That time they were doing it and Q turned into Beverly.
That time they had a three-day argument about a passage from *Hamlet* and Q finally went back in time and got Shakespeare to change it so that he would be right, but then when came back Picard no longer knew about the argument, so Q told him what he'd done, and Picard denied him sex for a week until Q went back and undid it. Unfortunately, that got them arguing about the passage again.
That time they got into a "does not/does so" shouting match and Q drove Picard insane by blurting without thinking, "does so infinity."
That time Q threw Picard into the middle of a yellow sun for farting in bed.
The time they went out to eat and Picard hinted too strongly that it wouldn't kill Q to pick up the check every now and then.
The time Q got a little too excited and accidently blew up the Klingon Empire.
The time they went to that formal admiral's dinner together and Picard wore his dress uniform and Q wouldn't stop staring at his legs.
The time Q took Picard home to meet the family and they turned the captain into a pile of monkey droppings and Q wouldn't defend him.
The time Q found Picard's collection of *Playboys* and turned them into copies of *Ferengi Women in Bondage*.
The time they watched *Terms of Endearment* and Q made fun of Picard for crying.
That time Picard dared Q to turn himself into an erotic cake, and then got so excited that he ate him.
That time they switched bodies to have sex and Picard ran off and pumped iron like a son-of-a-bitch.
That time Q forgot Picard's birthday and then changed it so he could pretend he hadn't.
That time Q brainwashed Starfleet Command to change the official uniforms to togas.
That time Picard tried to use Jeanita's "Themes and Variations" to convince Q they really should see other people.
That time they tried a threesome with Kathryn Janeway and just ended up in a pissing contest.
The time they sat down to have a long, serious talk about their relationship and realized they had nothing to say, and then just had sex that exploded ten suns and introduced one righteous causality loop that in five centuries' time made Earth the ruling planet of the universe. (Whoops, this is a Best Moment, sorry.)
The time Picard misspelled Q's name (apologies to Ruth) and then had to talk his ass off to convince Q he wasn't seeing another letter of the alphabet.
That time Picard explained that he really didn't feel comfortable holding hands in public and Q retaliated by insisting on holding something else.
That time they truly fused and became one and then tensed up and couldn't extricate themselves properly and Picard walked around for five days with Q's ass and Q hopped around time and space growling, "Make it so" and cussing in French.
That time a strange temporal/spacial/reality rift opened up and I was deposited in their bedroom and wanted to play and they both cuoldn't stop throwing up.
That time a strange temporal/spacial/reality rift opened up and Ruth was deposited in their bedroom and wanted to play and they both got really, really frightened and yet strangely aroused.
That time a strange temporal/spacial/reality rift opened up and Jeanita was deposited in their bedroom and wanted to play and they both said okay until she asked for a fire and a set of irons.
That time a strange temporal/spacial/reality rift opened up and Mercutio was deposited in their bedroom and wanted to play and they both said it was okay until she asked for photos for the archive.
That time a strange temporal/spacial/reality rift opened up and JJ was deposited in their bedroom and wanted to play and Q got extremely pissed off and threw JJ into another dimension to be tortured for enternity.
That time a strange temporal/spacial/reality rift opened up and Alara was deposited in their bedroom and wanted to play and they both said fine and started in on her and then never, ever, ever let her finish!
That time a strange temporal/spacial/reality rift opened up and Varoneeka was deposited in their bedroom and wanted to play until she found out how mean they'd been to Julia.
That time a strange temporal/spacial/reality rift opened up and Atara was deposited in their bedroom and wanted to play and they both said it was fine and they all had a great time, and then Atara went back to her own dimension and they found she'd stolen all their best gear.
The time that Picard was granted the power of Q and *he* turned *Q* into a woman, then promptly told her that her friends were losers and she looked fat.
The time Q brought Robert and Rene back from the dead as a birthday present, and Robert just gave Picard a wedgie and Rene went off screaming to his school firends that his big-shot uncle was "queer."
The time Picard, in a moment of transcendant ecstasy, screamed out, "Ride me to Heaven, God of Fucking!" and Q was so proud he painted the words in nice, friendly letters across the hull of the Enterprise-E.
The time Q secretly replaced Picard's Earl Grey tea with Folger's Crystals.
The time Q let it slip that he thought California wines were superior to French wines.
That time Picard told Q he throws thunderbolts like a girl.
That time they were wrapped in each other's arms, crying and comforting each other, whispering and stroking and laying bare their souls, and Picard revealed that Q was his "cuddle-master pleasure-tribble," and Q couldn't stop giggling.
That time Picard and Q unthinkingly agreed when Neelix asked if he could make them a sandwich.
That time Picard wanted to bring Worf into it, and Worf brought Dax along, and she and Q spent the whole night in the living room talking about what a stud Jim Kirk was.
The time Q made himself and Picard invisible so they could watch Worf and Neelix doing the wild thing, and then Picard sneezed and ruined it.
The time Q made Neelix look just like Picard so that he could run the Enterprise while he took Picard to meet Shakespeare, and when they got back the Klingons had taken over the Federation and the Enterprise command crew were all being forced to make gagh crepes.
The time Q finally saw Worf in *his* pajamas and told Picard to fuck off.
The time Q agreed to help Picard rearrage his furniture and Picard did the old "over there, no, over there" thing with the couch until Q got severe snap strain.
That time Q admitted to Picard he was AOL's "little gremlin."
The time Q wasn't careful when they fused minds during sex and instead of being set aflame by the overwhelming love and desire in Q's heart and soul Picard was watching old Lucy reruns.
The time Q told Picard everbody thinks that "Engage" thing with the hand gesture is silly.
That time Q decided he'd had enough of looking like "that old guy with the purple lips" and changed himself into Snoopy.
That time Q replaced all of Picard's "stuffy" classical music recordings with Weird Al Yankovich and the Artist Formerly Known as Prince.
The time Q redecorated the Enterprise in a 1001 Arabian Nights theme half an hour before Admiral Nakamura dropped by for an inspection and wouldn't change it until Johnny walked around the whole ship with him and told him how pretty it was.
The time Q tried to make up for redecorating the Enterprise in a 1001 Arabian Nights theme by performing the dance of the seven veils at the Admiral's dinner that night.
The time Picard accidentally had a little too much to drink and confessed to Deanna that Q wasn't really all that big 'down there.'
The time they were arguing and Picard told Q that unlike certain lazy omnipotent immortals he knew, Vash could suck a golf ball through a garden hose whereupon Q, in retaliation, actually applied that much suction.
The time Q got the clap and Picard swore he didn't know anything about it.
The time Q decided to teach some visiting diplomats how to do the funky chicken by convincing them that it was an important human custom.
The time Q watched Picard try to do the funky chicken and laughed so hard he fell out of the Enterprise.
The time Q forgot to soundproof the rooms then convinced Picard that he would really, really like it if Q used mentholated vaseline for a lubricant.
The time Picard swore he'd been faithful even though everyone at the Mineshaft called him by his nickname, sweetcheeks.
The time Q decided that Targ races in ten-forward would be a really good way to improve crew morale.
The time Picard sided with Guinan and made Q clean up all the Targ shit in ten-forward with a pail of soapy water and some rags.
The time Picard got really excited in bed and told Q to fuck his toes off. And Q did.
The time Sisko caught Q and Picard playing sheep and shepherd boy.
The time Q let Picard play with his powers and Picard accidentally dropped a black hole right into the middle of the Continuum croquet playoffs.
The time Q took Picard for a ride around the galaxy, got lost and refused to ask for directions back to the alpha quadrant.
The day Guinan's twin sister came for a visit and accidentally spilled the beans about the relationship between Picard and Guinan that goes beyond friendship and beyond family.
The time Picard was in the middle of negotiations with Gowron and Q burst onto the bridge in hysterics and accused Picard of secretly carrying Guinan's love-child.
The time Q accidentally ruined the Christmas Pageant by letting on that he was one of the three wise men and he knew for a fact that the whole thing really took place on an August afternoon in the middle of Calcutta.
Any time Picard whines, "You never take me out anymore."
The time Picard asked Q who was better looking, him or Riker, and Q hesitated just a fraction of a second too long.
Any time Picard wakes Q up in the middle of the night and insists that Q go out into the living room and check for burglars.
The time Q swore he knew exactly what was wrong with the Enterprise's engines and didn't need to use his powers because he could fix it pronto if Picard would just get out of the way and hand him a wrench and some baling wire.
The time Q fixed Picard a romantic candlelit dinner and the first words out of Picard's mouth were, "Gagh again? I had that for lunch."
The time Q told Amanda she could take a peek at him and Picard going at it but forgot that it was sheep night and then couldn't make her stop giggling.
The time Picard forgot to mention that barbequed gagh gives immortals diarrhea.
The time Q got all hurt and pissy when he utterly misunderstood what Picard meant when he said he had to blow his nose.
The time Q took Picard to a Continuum party and Picard accidentally started evolving right in front of everybody.
The time Q turned Beverly into a newt because she told Picard that if he ever wanted his hemorroids to go away Q would have to lay off for a long, long time.
Any time Picard says "Are you listening to me?"
The time Q got the numbers transposed, took them to Paris in 1948 instead of 1498 and everybody laughed at their clothes.
The time Q went to the wax museum and, in a fit of sentimentality, changed all the figures to look like Picard, causing hundreds of schoolchildren to think that King John, Pope Pious, Dolly Madison, Cher, Wilt Chamberlain, Kahn, Elton John, Mata Hari, Madonna, Abe Lincoln, George III, Elizabeth I, Henry III, Will Shakespeare and Wiley Coyote among others, all look like a certain short, bald starship captain.
The time Q went to Picard's hearing after he destroyed the Enterprise and told the review board that if they didn't find Picard not guilty he, Q, would beat them up for all eternity.
The time Picard got into a my-boyfriend's-more-immortal-than-you-are fight with Duncan McCloud.
The time that Picard told Q that Q's Elvis impersonation really isn't all that good.
The time Q finally worked up his courage to tell Picard that the real reason he kept coming back to the Enterprise to bug Picard had nothing to do with the Continuum and everything to do with his wanting to get into Picard's pants, and Picard was really happy because that was *his* guess in the ship's pool and he'd just won a thousand credits.
The time during a standoff with the Cardassians, when things were really tense and Q called Picard Schnooky-lumps in front of the entire Bridge Crew, and Riker laughed so hard he wet his pants. (Although come to think of it this is a more of a worst Riker moment.)
The time one of their "personal" home vids (if ya know what I mean) got shown in Ten-Forward instead of the scheduled showing of "Casablanca."
The time Q got tired of Picard being bald and decided the captain would make a great blond.
The time Amanda had to rescue Picard when Q left him handcuffed to the shower head wearing his French Maid's outfit and then "forgot" about him.
Any time Q whines. About *anything.*
The time Picard actually admitted to being bored during one of Q's "no shit, there I was," stories.
The time Q turned Picard into Jeanne for an evening of fun but wasn't paying enough attention to minor details and Picard got pregnant.
The time Q said, "I knew Jim Kirk, I *had* Jim Kirk, and Jean-Luc, you're no Jim Kirk." (apologies to Sen. Lloyd Bentsen (sp) )
The time Picard caught Q cheating at Risk.
Any time Picard says, "Why do *I* always get the wet spot?"
The time Picard was really giving it to Q in the ready room and just when Q started yelling and begging for more, someone's knee accidentally hit the "all-call" button on the comm unit.
The time Q caught Picard and Q2 playing priest and choir boy.
The time Picard told Q that maybe wearing that purple lame number to the Admiral's Dinner was a fashion don't.
Any time Picard says, "Well what about *my* needs?"
That time a strange temporal/spatial/reality rift opened up and Julia was deposited in their bedroom and wanted to play and they pulled out the Monopoly game, and when she said, "No, I meant really *play*!" they both just looked at her and didn't know what she was talking about.
The time they had the discussion about kids and Q cried all night because Picard doesn't want kids, even if it means the continuation of the family name, because he wants to retain his svelte figure.
The time they inexplicably shrank and found themselves trapped on a giant dresser, threatened by several huge bras and a bunch of Barbie accessories. Then the person with the camera showed up.
The notorious "yellow hanky" incident.
The time Q tried his hand at love poetry and Picard couldn't stop giggling.
The time they went to the Live Chicken Baseball Universe Series and Picard actually caught a foul chicken (fine, kill me; I couldn't resist) but then gave it to a krying Klingon kid.
The time Beverly had Picard in Sickbay and dryly told him that things wouldn't be so difficult if Q actually bothered to file his nails now and then.
The time they went to a Pride Festival and Q convinced Picard to get his nipple pierced and the ring got caught on one of the sheep skins a couple of weeks later.
The time Q took his "friend" Jean-Luc home to meet Mom and Mom had set them up on a blind date with her cousin's daughter and the daughter's "friend." (apologies to the great gay "slice of life" cartoon, "Leonard and Larry.")
The time they went to the Inkredible Klingon OperaFest and Q just ruined it by switching the tenor and soprano's voices in the middle of the first act.
The time they went to a big Star Trek convention and Q got really upset because Patrick Stewart got more applause than John de Lancie did.
The time, after the Voyager miraculously returned home, when Kat and Jean-Luc (now lovers) were having an argument, and he said, "Oh fuck Q!," and she said, "I do," and he said, "So do I!" (Extra credit: to what film do I owe apologies?)
The time Picard complained that Q hadn't given him a chance to really work things out with Marta.
The time Q temporarily lost his powers and they had to worry about things like bad breath, remembering where they tossed the lube last time, the physical limitations of being male and certain icky hygiene problems.
The time Spot got into Picard's quarters and took a nap on the bed right before Q shoved Jean-Luc down onto the bed and Beverly didn't believe a word of it.
Any time Q says, "I'm boooored."
The time they had sex on the bridge while Riker applauded and Data took notes. (apologies to . . . you know who you are)
The time Q put Picard on the spot by asking if he liked Q more as Q or as Catherine Vye. (Hi babe!)
The time Q feel in love with Soft Cell and put "Tainted Love" on repeat *all* night long.
The time Picard made the mistake of laughing when Q sliced his own ear up while using a sigletailed whip for the first time.
The time Q decided to throw Picard for a loop by showing up in bed as Beverly Crusher -- and Picard liked it.
That disastrous double date with Garak and Bashir, the less said about which the better.
The time that Q accidentally blew up the Enterprise as the result of a particularly good blow job from Picard. True, he put it back together right away, but Riker had a limp for the rest of his life.
The time Q misplaced the pizza cutter.
The time Q caught Picard jerking off while looking at a picture of Jeff Stryker (a gay porn star for those that don't know).
The time Suzy-Q got her hands on the photos from the Marseilles vacation (yes, *that* trip) and used them to blackmail Q for more child support.
The time Picard caught Q teaching Amanda the "Q facts of life."
The time Picard wanted to go back to Sherwood forest only with himself as Maid Marian and Q as Worf-as-Will-Scarlett.
The time during the final peace negotiations for the Romulans that Q decided Picard looked so good in those pajamas that he hid all the Captain's clothes.
The time Q changed the entire Federations measuring system so that *he'd* be bigger "down there" than Picard.
The time that Q checked out the AFQ Archives and then whined that "nobody ever goes on about how great *my* legs are."
The time Q really tried very hard to be a member of the Enterprise family and spent Christmas/Solstice/MidWinter Holiday with them and then gave everybody socks and plain underwear. Including Picard.
Any time that Q claps sarcastically.
1. The time Q decided that lubricant "really doesn't feel natural for anyone".
2. The time the whole peace conferences between the Federation and the Dominion were compromised, because it was too hard for Picard to concentrate on his side of the negotiations with a certain entity's foot sliding up his leg.
3. "Q!! You've eaten the last piece of fried chicken!!!!"
"I did not!!!"
The time Q begged and begged Picard to convince Beverly to let Q into her production of West Side Story, and then during the beginning scene with all the fingers snapping, the Enterprise imploded.
The time Q revealed that his real name was indeed, Milton, and at the same moment, Picard revealed that his real name was Chi-chi.
The time Q found out Picard had been seeing Jean-Luc on the side.
The time they were having really hot sex in Sickbay (with Picard as the "naughty nurse", if you know what I mean), when Suzie-Q showed up, said, "Oh, *how* fascinating." and dumped the baby on Q while Picard was still stapled to the bed, and the speculum was still up his ass.
The day Picard discovered that the Continuum had been observing their relationship all along invisibly, and that while he was thought of as a man who really knows his tea, it was still "two phallic symbols down" for his performance.
The night Q called out "Kathy. Darling!" after Picard had allowed himself to be pistol-whipped by a burly stranger and nearly drowned in cold ocean water in order to heighten Q's sexual pleasure.
The day that Q forgot Picard's birthday despite the special neon cock ring that Picard had procured to celebrate the occasion, and Q broke down and admitted that he had purposefully forgotten out of spite because *he* didn't have a birthday and was jealous, and then had a fit because he'd revealed so much, and turned Picard into a blonde voluptuous female holobabe and gave him (her) to Riker as a sex toy.
The time Picard told Q that it had all been a pretense, and that he didn't really love him, and that all of this had been a cynical exercise on his part because he was interested in seeing what it was like to fuck a god.
The time that Q forced Picard to wallow in pig vomit to atone for what he'd said about not loving him anymore, and then discorporated himself when he discovered that *this* caused Picard to *really* hate him, and then Picard ordered the entire crew of the Enterprise to clap for seven days straight (in shifts, naturally) to bring him back in life. ("I do, I *do* believe in fairies.")
The moment when Jeanita decides to collect all of the worst moments that involve sex and join them together into a tour-de-force of sadism and masochism that ends up with Picard alternately humiliated, fried, missing body parts and recuperating from having a pizza cutter misplaced, well, you know where.
The moment when Mercutio decides to actually write some of the P/Q/Worf and P/Q/Neelix ideas that Julia floated about on the list.
The moment when Julia decides to write a list of worst moments and ends up spurring a cross-cultural shooting war over the spelling of the word "relationship".
The moment when Ruth decides that writing lists is more fun than actually working on long stories that never get finished and dedicates her life to writing funny lists for alt.fan.q.
The time Picard was explaining yet _another_ violation of the Prime Directive to a council of admirals and Q showed up in the nude with a pair of outfits to ask Picard which one made him look better.
The time Janeway finally found a quick way home, met Picard at the starbase, and got it on with him, then Q found out and sent Janeway to the next galaxy over as punishment, and Voyager II, the Revenge of Q, aired.
The time Q, in a censored display of anthropomorphism, invited an entire zoo into bed with Picard and him, and Picard got clawed by the tiger.
The time Q told Picard that his (Picard's) great-grandmother had been a much better lover, and then declared that Picard's great-grandfather (g-gm's husband) had been sterile, so...
The time Q destroyed the ship in an orgasm.
The time Q destroyed the galaxy in an orgasm.
And then the time, right after, when Q refused to rebuild the ship/galaxy for a whole hour before Picard convinced him by refusing him sexual favors until he did.
The time Picard caught Q seducing Wesley.
The time Beverly caught Q seducing Wesley.
The time Beverly caught Picard watching Q seduce Wesley and assumed Picard was involved.
The time Q complained about Picard's "size," then decided to do something about it. He enlarged Picard's pecker by six feet, then forgot to return it after and Picard had to walk about the ship with it for days.
The time Amanda walked in on Q and Picard having sex, and beat up Q cause she thought Q was raping Picard, and only after she had caused Q much pain did Picard manage to explain.
And then the time immediately after when Amanda blushed bright crimson upon understanding the relationship between Q and Picard.
And then when she wanted to join in on a threesome, and Q wouldn't let her cause he was still angry cause she beat him up.
The time Q changed the universe's laws of relativity to allow the Enterprise to go a hundred times as fast with impulse engines only.
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