Miscellaneous Q Lists

Funny Q lists posted to alt.fan.q by a variety of authors.

Top TV Shows Q Might Also Appear On, by Laura Taylor

11. Frasier - Q guest stars as the heretofore unseen Maris Crane because she sounds so deliciously spiffy and because David Hyde Pierce bears a strange resemblance to a certain bald starship captain.
12. Saturday Night Live - as guest host, of course. Q magnaminously bestows a sense of timing on Norm MacDonald, but is so repulsed at the sight of Goat-Boy that the actor (who is it? Jim Breuer?) finds himself trapped in the diguise. Picard is the guest musician, and makes a special appearance in the reprise of Shatner's "Get a Life!" skit in which Q banishes Shatner to eternity with Mary Catherine Gallagher

Top Seven Reasons It's Good To Be Q, by Ruth Gifford

7) Endless supply of funny hats and cool costumes.
6) The powers; chicks dig the powers.
5) You never have to do laundry, go grocery shopping, teach 7-10pm classes, or apply for jobs.
4) You have your own newsgroup, which, unlike alt.sexy.bald.captains, hasn't been smothered in spam.
3) You get to travel to exotic planets, meet interesting species, and make fun of them.
2) Instant availability of lubrication and elaborate bondage equipment.
1) You get to whisper in Jean-Luc Picard's ear.

Top 7 Messages Left on Q's Answering Machine, by Ruth Gifford

Mrs. Q, this is your hair dresser, according to my calendar, your roots are starting to show right about now. Give me a call and I'll write you in.
Mr. Q . . . uh this is Staci? Your babysitter ya know? . . . and I um gotta date for Saturday, so, I gotta bail on ya... sorry, man.
Hello. You have been selected to receive a 10% discount on carpet cleaning. Please call 555-8366 to take advantage of this one-time offer.
Q... this is your mother. You never call. Are you eating right? You're not eating right, are you? Don't make that face, young man. I can tell.
Q, it's Jean-Luc. Um... oh, I hate talking to these things... look, I don't know that this is going to work out. I just feel so... you know, conflicted. I mean, the sex is great, god knows I'm not knocking that, but do we really have enough in common? I... look, meet me at BEEP.
Hey, babe! This is your agent. Look, there are just too many rumors about you and Picard. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but you *know* how these things play in Peoria. Anyway, the studio is talking about getting you a wife and child. Maybe I can swing a spin-off: you, the missus, the kid, wacky neighbor... Call me, babe.
Hello, I'm Mrs. Duggan from Tri-Universe Student Loans. I'm trying to reach Q, regarding an urgent matter. Please call me at 1-888-DEDBEAT

Top Six People In the Bible Who Were Really Q, by Varoneeka

7. Ruth's second and fourth husbands.
8. The guy in the temple who tried to sell a bowl of incense to Jesus -- cheap.
9. The guy who was perfectly healthy and went up to Jesus and then started screaming "Oh! Now I'm blind!" just to get laughs and then was stoned to death.
10. The Rich Man.
11. The first guy to pass by the guy who was hurting before the Samaritan came along -- but only because he knew it was the Samaritan's story.
12. The guy who used to follow Jesus around making camels pass through eyes of needles just to piss off the apostles.

Top Ten Quotes from the Book of Q, by Jeanita

1.I am the lord thy god. Q, Ch.1, v.1
11. If thee valueth thy puny mortal existence thou shall have no other gods before me, got it? Q, Ch.1, v.11
30.And it came to pass that Q begat Q, who begat Q, who begat Q, Q and Q, who begat Q jr. and Missy, who begat Q, 31.who fell hard for he of the shining dome in the quadrillion-and-ninth year of our lord, anno quus. Q, Ch.1, v.30&31
5.Thou shalt honor the lord Q thy god, with all thy heart and all thy mind and all thy soul and with thy cheeks up in the air. 6.Or on thy knees with thy mouth open, 7.depending on my mood. Q, Ch.2, v.5-7
9.And the lord Q knew Jean-Luc, and it was good. Q, Ch.5, v.9
11. And it came to pass that upon a certain day the starship Captain Picard did declaim in a loud voice "Get off my ship!" 12. Whereupon the great god Q did forthwith turn him into a newt. Q, Ch.5, v.11&12
40.And in the evil day, it came to pass that the wicked harlot Vash did come upon the Enterprise and did tempt the captain with her many wiles. 41.And the great god Q did rise up with his mighty wrath and did frolic in Sherwood forest. 42.And yet Picard heard him not. 43.And in a loud voice Q did exclaim "Woe unto thee, thou foolish starship captain! And unto thee as well, thou rank slut!" 44.And he did consign the foul harlot unto the furthest pits of the delta quadrant until that day when she should descend upon Deep Space Nine. Q, Ch.9, v.40-44
3.Now after this there was war in heaven, for Q did confide in his brother that he did have his eye upon a certain starship captain. 4.Whereupon his brother did, with much snickering behind his hand, and much gleeful consulting with the other Q, declare unto Q that Starship Captains really liked Borg. 5. And Q believed his brother, and set his hand to introduce the Borg to the Enterprise. 6.Whereupon Guinan did not strongly tell the captain to turn tail and haul ass out of there. 7.Forthwith the Borg did take a slice of Picard's precious ship. 8.And it came to pass that Picard said to Q "I need you," whereupon Q thought he was home free. 9.But when the night fell, Q came to Picard's quarters and the good captain knew him not. Neither did he drink of the champagne. And the music Q played for him delighted him not. 10.And the roses Q brought him he trampled under feet, saying, "Getteth thy ass off my ship, foul fiend, and take thy roses with thee!" 11.And his brother laughed at Q and spake unto him saying, "Ha, ha! Tricked you, you fool!"
12.And Q knew a great wrath. 13.And he forthwith repaired to his brother's house and did throw toilet paper among the pine trees and the shrubbery, and did put salt all over his brother's expensive landscaping. 14.And Q did declare unto his brother, speaking thusly: "Just wait until it's your turn you son of a bitch. I'm gonna fix you good." Q, Ch.6, v.3-14
2.Many years did Q toil mightily after Picard's good graces. 3.And there came a time when he did invite Picard to the Nascar races whereupon Picard declared "I will go with thee." 4.And they did go to the races whereat they ate of the popcorn and the hotdogs and the cotton candy and the m&m's and the onion rings; 5.and they did bet upon the red car and the blue car and the pretty yellow car; and they did walk off into the sunset to find some pepto bismol and some alka seltzer and tums and rolaids and mylanta. 6.And it came to pass that they did find a cheap motel room and thusly did they spend the night, and there was much rejoicing. Q, Ch.11, v.2-6.
26.And it came to pass that Q did much displease Jean-Luc who gaveth not up the nookie. 27.And among the people of the Enterprise there was much woe and lamentation. 28.And on that day they did rise up and cry out to Q in a loud voice, saying, "He's driving us crazy moping around here and sulking, and it's your fault! Whatever you did, just fucking fix it." 29.And on the third day, Q did journey far and wide until he did come to the all nite flower and candy shop. 30.Thereupon he did mutter "This better work," and did part with a great many shekels in exchange for the baby-I- swear-I'll-never-ever-do-it-again-please-forgive-me arrangement of sixty red roses and baby's breath. 31.And he did leave the flowers upon the dresser, and he did sneak away and wait for a sign. 32.And the sign manifested thusly, that Picard did smile and did say "I swear I don't know why I put up with you," and they did smooch greatly.
33.And the next morning Picard left his quarters walking funny and smiling a lot, and the news sped around the ship, and there was much rejoicing. Q, Ch.14, v.26-33

Top Six Q Songs, by JJ Arrow

13. No Good -- Depeche Mode
14. Where Do You Go? -- No Mercy
(okay, I get all my music off the radio because I'm a bum with no job and I don't have the cash to buy CDs and I'm pathetic!! So sue me!!! *pout*)
15. Losing My Religion -- R.E.M (and I really agree with "Bang & Blame", too.)
16. Don't Cry For Me, Argentina -- Madonna (the dance mix version... well, 'cause it's so fun! :))
17. Push -- Matchbox 20 (for P/Q)

More Reasons Q Sleeps With a Nightlight On, by Varoneeka

8. Doesn't trip over his shoes when he gets up in the middle of the night to piss on everyone else's good time.
9. Makes it easier for the sheep to jump over his bed while he counts them.
10. It really irks the Calamarain.
11. It's actually a light in the window he's leaving for his favorite starship captain.
12. Absolute darkness reminds him he was never inside his mother's womb.
13. Picard insisted on it after he spent twenty minutes one night sucking on Q's big toe.

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