Julia's Q Lists

Funny Q lists posted to alt.fan.q by Julia Houston.

Q Games

  1. Marco Polo (not the pool game, involves tossing the actual exporer into a temporal anomaly and then yelling "Fish out of water!" as he experiences puny human panic)
  2. Pin the Tail on the Microbe
  3. Red Q, Green Q
  4. Spin the Galaxy
  5. Duck, Duck, Q's
  6. Two Minutes in the Closet (Well, actually, this is only a popular game with one Q, and only in certain company.)

Top 6 Q Activities While Standing in a Supermarket Checkout Line

6. Reanimation of beef and poultry products.
5. Changing National Inquirer headlines to such things as "Liz Taylor is Very Nice" and "UFO Really Just a Weather Balloon."
4. Bumping people with his cart, complaining about the weather, and then trying to pay with a two-party, out-of-galaxy check.
3. Whipping up 'Piranha Fish Sticks" that jump out of the frozen food section and bite people on the ass.
2. Secretly swtiching the Almond Joy nuts over into the Mounds.
1. Changing the TV Guides so that the listings are for Somalia.

Gift Suggestions for Q

  1. A card which reads "Redeemable for four free hugs."
  2. A secret spy decoder wrist-watch (whoops! Wrong Q)
  3. His own action figure who is also omnipotent.
  4. Purple lipstick.
  5. A certain starship captain naked except for a big red bow around his... er, waist.
  6. A big Hallmark card signed by everyone in his fan club.
  7. A *really* nice set of cufflinks.

Top New Movies Starring Q

TUBED Q stars as a fraternity leader who insists that pledges drink themselves to death.* In the climax, a drunken but still formidable Picard and a completely sober but naked Data (it's a long story) pour out their story to a *60 Minutes* crew, who manage to make it all the press' fault.

BITTER DREGS Picard signs on to do the movie believing it's a moving story about an old man's last days and his reflections upon life, then can't get out of the contract when he learns that it's actually a grunge-rock tribute to Maxwell House. Q doesn't really have a part, but shows up frequently to tell Picard his acting career has gone to hell and that his pants aren't tight enough.

HAIR CLUB FOR MEN: THE REVENGE Q finally faces up to the fact that omnipotence is no match for male pattern baldness, and rounds up Tom Paris, James Kirk, and Ted Dansen for a posse that lynches Picard for looking better without hair.

MAC THE KNIFE Outraged by the horror that is Varoneeka's computer, Picard and Q strike out to right the injustice by mugging Bill Gates and using his pocket money to buy a new PC for every budding writer on the planet.

BARTLES AND JAMES: THE EARLY YEARS Picard and Q tell the world of their love, and inspire another couple to come out of the closet. Most of the film actually deals with Picard and Q's abject and poetic apology

STAR TREK LXI: THE SONG REMAINS THE SAME Uh, Picard negotiates a peace treaty, Q shows up and pesters him without making clear what he wants, Riker bags a babe with no taste, Data does something cute, Troi cries, Beverly is completely wasted in a pointless role, Worf snarls, Geordi fixes some complicated gizmo, and a hundred nameless crewmen report something strange right before they are killed. Two surprises: the film does not end with a shot of the Enterprise-R zapping off at warp nine, and LaForge is actually a girl.

Times Q&P had sex ALREADY on TNG

THE DRUMHEAD Q secretly turned himself into a really hot cup of Earl Grey tea and Picard drank him.

ATTACHED Picard and Crusher thought Picard was having erotic dreams about her, but it was really Q in disguise.

INNER LIGHT/LESSON/FISTFUL OF DATAS It wasn't the *Ressikans* who put that "flute" in the probe.

DIXON HILL Realizing what fun Picard was going to have, Q turned himself into Picard's hat, his gun, and finally that lipstick that got all over Picard's mouth when the holovamp kissed him. Q has always hated Beverly for wiping him off in the conference room afterwards.

THE MEASURE OF A MAN Remember Phillipa Louvois? Q.

ALL GOOD THINGS Q took Picard back to France a billion years ago, pointed to a pond of goo, explained that this pond was Picard, and stuck his hand in it...and stirred.

Q Bumper Stickers

7. I *heart* my human.
8. Don't dink and snap.
9. How's my driving? Call 1-800-CONTINUUM
10. Honk if you've met Jesus.
11. Vote YES on Proposition Q (you know what I'm talking about, mon Capitaine)
12. Driver carries no less than $20 million. Why don't you come and get it?

Q's Favorite Things to Do In a Movie Theater

  1. Go to Kenneth Branagh films and replace the French Queen/Cordelia/Beatrice with Picard.
  2. Go to Bruce Willis films and replace John McClaine/Taxi Driver Guy/Cop Guy with Janeway.
  3. Throw popcorn at the screen and watch it explode like fireworks.
  4. Let his other Q friends in through the Exit door and then turn the manager into a Klabnean eel if he catches them.
  5. Make cigarettes appear in other patrons' hands and scream for the usher.
  6. Leave half-melted JuJubes on the seat cushions.
  7. Take Q Junior with him and stop the movie every five minutes to take him to the bathroom, get him a drink of water, answer his questions, blow his nose and assure him that he shouldn't feel bad when the characters die because they're only humans.
  8. Fill out the all the customer survey cards in dead alien languages.
  9. Double-date with SuzieQ and Paris and Torres and see who can make the most noise in the balcony section while making out.
  10. Go to arty foreign films and rewrite the subtitles with lines from *Happy Days.*

Q's Favorite Moments in FC

  1. Picard in the tank top. (right? right)
  2. Beverly almost getting assimilated by the Borg in Sickbay, Worf almost shooting Beverly when she came out of the Jefferies tube, and Beverly almost almost crying when Picard snapped at her on the bridge.
  3. Picard stroking the warp ship/missile with that little smile on his face.
  4. Picard and Lily talking about Moby Dick. (Oh, all right, so this was *my* favorite scene. So what?)
  5. Picard in his PJ's (only available in the Director's Cut which is unavailable to the public because Q bought them all).

Reasons Why NOT to Have Sex With Q

  1. Insists on putting your ovaries in a temporal anomaly instead of just wearing a condom.
  2. Might actually turn you into a pizza and six-pack afterwards.
  3. Always unfavorably comparing your technique to Cleopatra, Mata Hari, Messalina, and Aphrodite.
  4. Has a really annoying habit of screaming out "Jean-Luc!"
  5. Despite his powers, still just gives you an Amway certificate for your birthday.
  6. Always turns you into a big dog during arguments.
  7. Claims that having sex with others and then altering the timeline so that it didn't happen isn't "really" cheating.

Top TV Shows Q Might Also Appear On

7. Today -- Q gets Willard Scott to wish him Happy 5,000,124,847th Birthday.

8. Biography -- Q tells us about the life stories of several famous people, altering history whenever necessary to spice things up. In one memorable episode, it turns out that Marylin Monroe was the secret inventer of the A-bomb and Yoohoo.

9. Gilligan's Island -- unable to stand it anymore, Q grabs them all off the island and sets them up "Real World MTV" style in a brownstone in New York where lose all their manners and complain constantly about still "feeling marooned."

10. Third Rock from the Sun -- Actually, this is just a ratings-stunt quickie appearance, since Q and Dick's egos won't fit into the same room comfortably.

Best Rides at Qland

Q Favorite Ben & Jerry's Flavors

  1. Jock Full o' Nuts
  2. Qberry Shortcake
  3. Kathryn & Cream
  4. Cherry Vanilla
  5. Chocolate Quip
  6. Fudge Nipple Swirl
  7. Continuum Crunch
  8. Pink Bubble Q
  9. Rocky Road in the Middle of the Desert Leading Out to the Universe and then Back in a Timeless Infinity
  10. Chunky Human

    With a captain on top.

Best Q Phone Pranks

  1. "Hello. Is your refridgerator running? *snap* Not anymore, it's not!"
  2. "Do I know what time it is? It's three in the morning! No, it's six in the evening! No, it's noon! No, it's half past ten! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
  3. "Do you have Prince Albert in a can? You do? Well, I have Queen Victoria in a black silk teddy! So there!"
  4. "I saw what you did, and I know who you are. In fact, I know everything about you, and it's all really pretty pathetic."
  5. "What are you wearing? I've got nothing on but my bad 'tude. That's right, and I'm so hot for you, baby. I can see you there in your sexy little pajamas, and... Jean-Luc? Who's in the room with you? I can tell it's not the TV! It's the that tramp Beverly again, isn't it! Well, this time she's gonna get it!"
  6. "Hello, this is the phone company. Have you been having trouble with your line? You haven't? Well, you will... for the rest of your miserable existence!"
  7. "Mrs. Morial? Hello? Yes? I'm calling to tell you that you've won the Grand Prize in the Grand National Q Sweepstakes. Now, all you have to do is correctly answer our trivia question, and you will WIN $20,000,000! Are you ready? Okay. How does one change the gravitational constant of the universe?... What? Oh. Uh. That's right... Wait a minute! Is this Q? Ah! You bastard! And Q is there too? Oh, I can't believe I'm omnipotent and I still have a party line!"

Products at the Q Drugstore

  1. Head on Shoulders
  2. Clairol Living Color and Light with Peroxide and Sentience
  3. Dry Idea Wryly Spoken
  4. Old Spice (comes with starship captain of your choice)
  5. Secret of the Universe (Simple Enough for a Man, but Made for a Q)
  6. Herbal Essence Orgasms
  7. Few Freedom which is Actually Quite Old and Tired
  8. Transdimensional Corn Plasters
  9. One-A-Mellinnium Vitamins
  10. Realy Just Uncredibly Stupendously Large-Sized Condoms

Reasons Why Picard Will Never Have Sex with Q

10. Agent asked for $18 million up front and Hustler Magazine balked.
9. Heard from a guy who knew a guy who says that Q's nick-name in 20th Century San Francisco was "Patient Zero Tolerance."
8. Just knows in the middle of everything Q would turn himself into a chicken and sell the picture to The Interstellar Inquirer.
7. Knows Riker would kill him.
6. Suspects Q of actually disliking Shakespeare.
5. Already had sex with Q's brother.
4. Secretly has a crush on Geordi LaForge.
3. Bad Q-breath.
2. Actually loves Q deeply and so wants to protect him from the death/dismemberment/secret indentity curse that follows the lovers of all Starfleet captains.
1. Is actually an incredibly uptight heterosexual.

Reasons Why Q Will Never Have Sex With Picard

10. Frightened as a child by big bald man.
9. Has read twenty-seven how-to books and still can't quite figure out the logistics.
8. Simple gut reaction: "Ewwwwww!"
7. That one time he finally hinted strongly to Picard that he might be interested and Picard fell down on the deck of the bridge and laughed so hard he wet himself.
6. Mrs Q told him to lay off the starship captains.
5. Actually has a secret crush on Geordi LaForge.
4. Beverly told him if he ever came near Jean-Luc that way she'd invent Q-pox and unleash it on the Continuum.
3. Is already terribly worried his son might be "queer."
2. Knows if he ever laid a finger on him, all his brothers and sisters in the Continuum would want to get in on the action, and Picard would be nothing by the end of it but little Starfleet uniform shreds and a combadge.
1. Viacom.

Top Ten Q Subscriptions

  1. PlayQ
  2. Qsillustrated
  3. US News and Q Report
  4. Rolling Q Magazine
  5. Q's Digest
  6. TV Q
  7. Q's Day
  8. Car and Q
  9. Qorbes
  10. Q

Favorite P/Q Writer Rationalizations for "The Q and the Gray"

10. It was only a dream.
9. SuzieQ and BabyQ are actually parts of Q.
8. Q was just experiencing a moment of heterosexual panic.
7. What happens on Voyager doesn't affect TNG.
6. It was one of those Krenim timelines that never happened.
5. Q was possessed by an alien.
4. It's all part of some Romulan plot.
3. Menopause.
2. SuzieQ and Baby Q are paid actors. Q was just trying to freak Janeway out.
1. What's "The Q and the Gray?"

Top Favorite Q Baby Toys

7. The Show and Say and Mutate
8. The Etch-A-Scetch-In-The-Sands-Of-Eternity
9. Barbie with Really, Really Big Boobs
10. The Easy-Bake Planet Maker

Top Ten Ways Q Gets Through Holiday Visits with Family

10. Turns Mom into barking dog whenever she asks about his career prospects.
9. Tries to remember to snap the dishes clean.
8. Creates four-dimensional blue-prints of proto-universes in his head to drown out Dad's lectures.
7. Buys his Christmas gifts 10,000,000 years in advance.
6. Permantently silenced the whole marriage issue ten millennia ago by bringing Richard Simmons, Bea Authur, Michael Jackson, Pope Joan and Larry King home to Christmas dinner.
5. Has a force-field around his old room so no one can find his stash.
4. Talks to Jean-Luc on the phone for hours every night.
3. Has learned how to feign an interest in sports.
2. Imagines Janeway activating an Olsmobile-sized self-destruct mechanism.
1. Spends stolen moments writing lists for alt.fan.q.

[ Send comments and suggestions to Ned Fox | Return to the Q archive ]